I want to be more in tune with inner self. Chapter 1 left me with the strong, uncomfortable feeling that I have gotten away from listening to myself—that somehow I have stopped thinking about what makes me happy, what makes me feel good, what helps me fall asleep at night feeling fulfilled and tired. When did this happen? Last time I really paid attention to myself, I was writing, reading, part of clubs where I shared things in common with others. What happened? Was that really five years ago?
I can’t even excuse this fact by scapegoating my daughter. She’s only eight months, afterall, and it’s been at least four years since I lived according to my inner voice. I can’t blame my first, and only, full time job as a teacher, either—how many times over the years have I eaten boredom and spare time for dinner? How many times over the course of the past few years have I frowned and complained about feeling disconnected and lost?
What I took away from Palmer’s book, The Courage to Teach, is that the discontentment I am feeling in life could have less to do with what I am doing than with what I am not doing. The book encouraged me to revisit old passions and to keep an eye out for potential new ones. I am not too old or too busy or too set in a routine to open up my heart and to spend some time everyday doing things that bring me pleasure and keep me feeling alive. I want to pursue activities that interest me, get absorbed in things I love, new and old, and prioritize what I value over the agenda of meetings set forth by my job. Doing so will make me feel like a more complete, happy, vibrant person.
Your post on Courage to Teach is thoughtful and well-written. I relate to the desire to "fall asleep at night feeling fulfilled and tired." That is the best way to end a day!
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, don't be too hard on yourself as a new mom. It won't last very long; then you'll (almost) forget the less-than-fulfilling times.